I had this ambition when I was in high school. I had so much passion about the topics related to it and also debates. I took every conversation I had with my friends so seriously like I was in the midst of a debate competition. I was very confident and proud of my loud , convincing voice despite offending people sometimes. I would always think it's fun to make a fool out of others by making their arguments appear wrong and dumb. I took the opportunity to involve myself in debates and play the role of a rebutter (a.k.a third speaker). Those were my glory days.
However, everything came to an end when I was in Form 5. I lost my confidence , dared not have wild dreams and shut myself up . I kept reminding myself that I'll never be good enough. It's like the downfall of an empire , my empire.
The reason behind my drastic changes was because I screwed up during districts. No one pointed fingers at me or saw me as the fault. As an egoistic perfectionist , I kept blaming myself for letting the whole team down. I could have done better , yet I did not. I started losing my confidence in everything I do - even normal stuffs like writing an essay or playing the piano. I eventually casted my what once was my ambition away and considered other things that I could probably do.
My spirits came crashing down when a friend of my mother's told me that I'm not fit for it as I wasn't a very outspoken , extroverted person. I'm just an introvert who has difficulty even in greeting people and approaching them for a conversation. At that moment , the seventeen-year-old me just accepted what she said. I was really doubtful with myself and wondered , why can't I be excellent like the others? I've never seen myself succeeding in everything I partake unless I wanna take the video competition into account since my team won third.
It's absurd , isn't it? Fancy giving up because of a criticism and a silly mistake I made. Haha. Why did I even let them affect me? I'm always against judgments but me succumbing to it in the end is really a joke.
I entered college with that new personality of mine. I decided to be like one of those typical Asians who only keep themselves quiet in classes and blindly follow what the lecturers taught so that they wouldn't be left out in the rat race. Really , it's an Asian thing. Not stereotyping but yeah. I didn't care much about what's happening. I followed the crowd and participated in something that I'm not really fond of (although I did pick up something from it). I felt like a lost , wandering soul looking for a body to possess (exaggeration lol). As a teenager with very low self-esteem , I was particularly self-conscious that I tend to over-accentuate my weaknesses. I did that to remind myself that I'll never be a great individual with strengths in every aspects.
After spending months in college , I've met many people from different walks of life , regardless how old they are. I did realise that age doesn't define maturity because I noticed a 30-year-old being childish and a 16-year-old being matured. Much wow. I have really interesting classmates who can talk about everything related to life and etc. I envy those who can actually have deep thoughts and draw people's attention to them with only a simple sentence. Look at how powerful , influential these people can be. I can be like them , but I chose not to . I don't have the standard.
The longer the days I spent being someone else , the more I felt disgusted and sick. Why am I doing this to myself? I have to admit that I have a pretty grotesque side of myself and I need to control myself most of the time, especially when I talk. It's tiring to do so , thus that's why I rather not say anything. It's a dilemma tho , wanting to voice out but the meaner side of you wants to come out.
I've witnessed a lot in college , and I eventually decided to reconsider what used to be my first choice. Even though my burning passion has died down a lot , I believe there's still time for me to slowly build up what was there before. I shouldn't dwell in the past and let my failures haunt me - I should face and overcome them because humans learn from mistakes . With mistakes , you can be a better version of yourself. Even the most successful person I've met had actually make mistakes in the past.
I did tell this to a friend of mine. I did not expect any motivation or whatsoever , and he's brutally honest. He thinks that I'm not fit for this because I failed to defend myself and ended up being emotional during an argument in Economics class. I have to agree, and disagree. Just because I'm not good enough at the moment , it doesn't mean that I will be the same in the future. How can you judge my future based on a stupid mistake I made ? Is it even valid to compare a 19-year-old me with let's say, a 30-year-old me ? It's rather subjective tho , but I'm glad that he's being honest and straight forward.
All I need to do now is to improve myself. I've decided to give myself a second chance. Why should I give up on something I'm fond of because of what people said ? The seventeen-year-old me is definitely a silly girl for being deeply affected by words of people who never fathomed her LOL.
I now stand firm on my ground and will never let anyone's comments affect me.
I will pursue my dream , to be a lawyer .
Defending people is the one and only reason why I make this choice.
I will embark on this journey with no regrets but persistence.
kthnxbai.
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