See? Time passes by so fast , so fast that you can't even catch up with it. You tend to miss the good moments , the little things containing happiness and issues that might change your life if you had a chance to encounter them.
I missed them. And it's October already.
Every day , I tell myself , hang on , everything's gonna be fine. I'm going to be happy and care-free. I'm not going to care about anything. I'm undergoing a peaceful life.
I actually deceived myself with these monologues. Even if I know I am , I still do the same. Drown myself in a stream of illusions. Illusions that seem possible if I continue to lie to myself.
Yet , they're still impossible.
I don't really like my college life now. Yes , I get to meet new people, have new experiences , blablabla..... It's all bullshit. No , I don't really require these. I just want to be happy. But I can't.
I just can't.
I'll never be depressed , but I can't smile naturally like I used to . It sucks having a fake smile on your face like almost everyday ,you know?
I lost myself in college. Drowned somewhere out there. Help ? Only I can rescue myself. Currently , I don't know how to pull myself out of the pool of misery. I don't want this to go on until college ends.
Who am I to complain so much ? *laughs bitterly*
To be honest , I could feel that my academics performance is slowly going downhill. It's not like I did not revise or do my homework , I just feel unstable. I couldn't get myself to relax. I'm being hectic with myself , actually.
And for ALSCO , it is really tiring. Yes , I've learnt a lot as a member of the student council , but does that mean I'm happy?
That's it. When Jean is unhappy , everything goes wrong.
I wasn't like that before this. No.
Can I like just quit ALSCO and focus on my studies instead? I don't know.
I just wanna escape from my thoughts , from every single thing.
Dear usual Jean , please return as fast as possible. I miss you dearly.
I really need you.
