It's such a relief to learn that there are actually breaks in the hectic, suffocating , nerve-wrecking A-Level programme. Just imagine that it's the otherwise , I wouldn't be alive by the end of the course. I'm barely alive now, even if it's just the first semester. In less than six months , I'm already drained, mentally and physically.
And for semester exam , nah. I wouldn't wanna comment much about it but I'm glad I made through it.
Unexpectedly , I am not going to type out a long essay about how happy or sad I am in college , how my level of maturity increased, how college changed my life , etc. Cut out the long , sappy dramas. I don't do sentiments.
In my previous post, I did mention something about being lost in the middle of nowhere. That was something about me losing myself in college. Just to clarify, no I didn't lose my virginity or anything, I just lost my usual self, my true identity. How lost was I? I did not know what I was doing everyday. Did I enjoy what I was doing? I don't know. There's just one thing I know, I wasn't Jean. I did not have split personality but this is somehow related to inner dilemmas . Me vs me. Nuff said.
I kinda spent too much time in ALSCO and kinda neglected the semester exam ,which everyone labelled as the nightmare of your life because it's 10 times more difficult than the actual CIE exams. Oh , the exaggeration. Due to time constraints, I started to panic and my worst enemy crept up my back.
Stress. Fucking stress. Define stress.
If I happened to tell anyone that I did not pressurise myself during the exam period, no , I did not lie. That was after I had this tiny , little self-realisation . Hang on I'm reaching there soon.
With the days counting down and the stressful environment the people around me created, I joined in the 'fun'. I studied the chapters that I missed and revised like a donkey. I did what I could and what my worst enemy encouraged me to do. I was deprived of sleep and did not eat according to meals. I ate 'cat food' and 'dog food'. I locked myself in my room for days and only came out to bathe. I seldom talked to the people around me , not even my housemates. I became a hermit, thanks to sem exam.
I was so stressed out and at some point, I actually broke down. I couldn't hold the burden inside of me anymore. As much as I wanna put the blame on others for this mess , I just couldn't do so. I'm the one who created the chaos I'm in. On the other hand, I was terribly homesick. I kept reminding myself that I could go home soon and I should keep holding on. It's futile. I was actually deceiving myself.
I ended up calling mom for advice. She told me to say my prayers and breathe. One simple advice, yet I could feel some of the burden lifted off me. I paused what I was doing and did what she told me. At that moment, I realised something.
The reason why I felt 'lost' was because I did not lead myself back to where I was supposed to be. This sentence sounds darn 'deep' LOL. I left myself in the midst of nowhere and forgot about myself.
I spent most of my time on other things but I did not make time for myself. I literally neglected myself. I need to learn how to love myself.
It all changed. Three quarters of the burden I had was immediately lifted off. I started to think in a different perspective , the one that I used to have and will always have. I gained back my confidence and started to smile.
I realised that I will not do well when I'm under pressure . Perhaps others can convert the stress they're experiencing into motivation that can make them go further , but it doesn't work for me. Stress needs to be out of my way. Besides, I'm the type of person who prefers learning, rather than studying for exams or for the sake to pass. Knowledge is vast and no one can actually quench the thirst for knowledge. I don't see any harm in gaining extra knowledge even though it's not in the syllabus. It gets on my nerve that some people actually thinks that yearning for extra knowledge is a waste of time just because it's not coming out for exams. Look , I don't see the point of how memorising facts can help one to ace his/her exams. What if there's a twist to a certain question and you don't know how to apply your facts ? Bummer.
Anyway, I tried my best and did what I could for the sem exam. The results aren't my main concern and I've got nothing left to lose. It's just sem exam - there's always room for improvement if I did badly. I'm not gonna 'abuse' myself for it. Health will always be my priority (: I did not manage to complete my Econs paper , lost 6 marks (excluding the possible marks I might have lost) and yet I did not give a shit about it. Yes, there's a possibility that my lecturers might be disappointed with me , but I just don't care anymore. I've done my best. And I'll keep trying without giving up.
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| Everyday's a second chance |
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| I just wanna be happy (: |
